you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
