dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
