My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
