The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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