Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
