Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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