So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
