when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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