great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
