Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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