she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
