Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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