I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
