sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
