My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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