I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
