hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and she was petting her beer can
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
