I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
