i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
