She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
