the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
