All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
