Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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