I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
