I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize