apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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