if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
