So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
