I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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