At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
