Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
