there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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