so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
