I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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