i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
