i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
