That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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