Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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