I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
