It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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