Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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