Where is the hickey?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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