I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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