I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
