Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
