There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
In America we eat man semen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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