i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
