So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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