Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
