I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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